Good Ole Times

Well today I got to do something that a year ago I would never of imagined...I got to see Sister Reynolds, but she is not a missionary anymore. I got to be with her and her family, to go to their wards (family and singles) and then to share a meal with them, and to top it off, a fireside. Sister Reynolds will always and forever be a dear missionary and a sweet friend. It was from her that I came to understand true patience and the importance of growing. She is so loving, so kind, so sweet. Her family is pretty awesome too. They all seem so close to each other, swapping stories, sharing sweet laughs, and precious moments. For someone who doesnt get much interaction with familes anymore, its nice to see, warm to the heart and comforting to the soul.
Things otherwise are....crazy. Today I feel so overwhelmed with my responsibilities. I kept thinking tonight that I dont know if I can handle my heavy work load, plus three church callings, etc. At the fireside, the member of the 70 made a very good and valid point. Church callings were never meant to be convenient, nor do they ever truly come at convenient times. They are there to challenge us and to help us to remember our covenants we make with Heavenly Father. So it doesnt make the load any lighter, and doesnt make me feel any more equipped to deal with all that is on my plate. I'm going to have to drop Sundays off of my work schedule, that way I can fullfill my duties with Church, and also just so it can be a day of rest. Right now as it stands, Sundays are a day of mass Chaos! Running from one activity to the next, just waiting for a moment to sit down and catch my breath to come. I dont think thats exactly what God had in mind for his Sabbath Day. There is no time to read, to reflect. Only time to react and to GO GO GO. So I'm having to trust in the Lord's hand in this, because that means 16 hours that will be missing every 2 weeks from my paycheck, or rather 32 hours a month ( almost $300 a month gone) So I confess I am very worried about the effects of that...but I have a good and steady ward, and a good and Steady Heavenly Father. SOmetimes I've realized in life that God has put me in situations where I have to trust a lot more on Him then I thought I wanted to. Not that I dont want to trust in Him, but that He puts me in situations where we are squeezed and pressure is put on us sometimes it feels to breaking point, and thats where He shows us we need a change from a situation that we are in, whether caused by ourselves or whatever the circumstances. You know, I know this is the right thing to do. Even sitting here writing it out and thinking about it, suddenly making the decision, and all, the weight and the heaviness I've had the past couple hours just has seemed to start to go away, :-)

A Dream

Tonight during my nap before work I had a dream. The dream was very real, it was like seeing a situation from a different angle. I dreamed I was "meeting" the Hodsons (a family I was close to from my old church) for the first time. I saw David and Kim, the kids - Seth, Bethy, Bailey, Brianna (though I didnt see Steven). It was weird because I knew what was going to happen. There were smiles on everyone's faces and we talked as if nothing had ever happened between us, because at this point nothing had....but throughout the conversation I knew in my mind and my heart what lied ahead for our friendships and such. I knew how close I would get to them, to their kids and how much time I would spend with them. Then I knew how much hurt would come from me having to leave because of my joining the LDS church. As I was talking with David I wondered if knowing what I knew, if I would still go into this friendship, with all the good times, and with all the hurt that lay ahead for us all. I woke up around 10pm and just sat there thinking about them. Such a great family with their own challenges and such, but a great family none the less. I realized that I think so much of how not talking to them has hurt me, how the relationship being cut off so abruptly has hurt me. At that moment I started thinking of all that they must of had to go through. I wonder how they explained particularly to the older kids that I would not be back around to babysit, to take them out for slushies or to play with them. I wonder how it affected Kim to lose a friend, though I know she is so strong and faith filled, but it couldnt of had just no impact on them. They lost a friend, a babysitter. I lost a family, a mentor, etc. If I knew then when I first met them, what I know now I dont know what I would do persay. Though maybe if I knew then what I knew now, maybe I would of being a little more kind, a little more patient, looked out a little more. I was looking over photos of my ex boyfriend and realizing, I was not what I should of been. What about him? Oh wow I would have been a lot more caring, a lot more loving, I wouldnt have taken our time for granted. I wouldnt of critizised so much his downfalls, but rejoiced more with him in his accomplishments. I would of laughed a lot harder, I would of danced a lot more, I would of called even if I had talked to him in person or online or both that day just to see how he was doing and make him know I appreciated him more. I would of said more thank you's and not shyed away from ever saying I Love You. I would of followed his dreams and pushed him farther in that area, not wanted him to follow mine. I would have smiled more, been more grateful for his care in my life. I would have told anyone that stood between us, church or not, that I didnt care about rules but that I cared and loved him. I would of hugged and held his hand more, spent more time talking instead of watching tv or whatever. Took time to enjoy the moment, and not want to jump from one activity to the next.
Someone asked me last week why I hated myself so much. Its so simple. Its because until recently a lot of people hated me. They hated what I had become for whatever reasons. I was shut in, I was intolerant, demanding, selfish, and the list goes on. When I started to change and come closer to this church people would often remind me of the person that I was and the things that I would/did say that now I was offended that someone else from my old church was saying to me....I wasnt a good person. I was trying to follow God, trying to be a disciple and do what I thought was right. But the person I became, the light and life that I lost that was already on edge with all the suicidal/depression stuff....I couldnt explain in words how horrible I was. I do know that whatever it was that I became, it was not christlike, it was not what I should have been. I lost track of myself I forgot to live, to laugh, to love others. I took so many things for granted. I took so many important things for granted. Its not my physical appearance that I'm afraid people will find hideous and such. Its the inward man, its the flesh, the sin that I know is within...the sin past and present with all its ugliness, all its horror, that makes even myself want to jump out of my skin and scorn it. I know that there is repentance and that in Romans 8 God promises us that there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus. I dont know sometimes though what to do or where to go..

Late Night

Well, I really shouldnt be up this late...a coworker worked for me, pulling a double, just so I could get some sleep tonight. She is an amazing person! :-) I just find myself however, unable to sleep. Today has been a pretty good day. Crazy graveyard, so I got off work kinda late this morning. Then slept from like 8/830 till 4pm...so 7 hours of glorious sleep... Then I went out with my roommate and we got some pizza and watched some ER. :-D It was a fun time, it really was. Yet in this day I find myself even as happy as times are just having these crazy spells. I'll be perfectly happy, singing, thinking about my testimony, etc....then all of the sudden I feel extremely exhausted, tired, I want to hide and I get my "head noise"... then now I'm going through feeling good to all the sudden crying and feeling so lonely and needing to disconnect myself from the world. Its weird, especially since I know that nothing happened to cause it really. Craziness...I'm not PMS'ing either I know that ... I'll have to keep an eye on it cause this is no fun. It kind of feels nice to blog again. Its been a long time since I could just write down or rather type how I feel. On facebook and my other blog, perhaps because I knew people read it more or that it was more out there available for people to read, I have always been very careful as to what I blog. I only want to write things and thoughts that talk about God and things he's taught me, etc. I even find myself doing that in my journal. Its nice to kinda just break free of that and still do that, but feel more free to write about other thoughts and feelings too....not because I want the world to see them, but for my benefit as well...

Anyways I was reading a great article the other day, can't remember where from but I read it none the less....and it was talking about how often do we inquire of the Lord? Many times we go to others to get advice and help and though those avenues are good and sometimes necessary, we can't remember out the best person to answer us and to help us..and that is Heavenly Father. :-)

Craziness...Mass Craziness

Well another night, another graveyard shift. Yikes! It doesnt seem to matter even if I get 8 hours of sleep during the day, my body gets so tired and feels so physically sick after work. Then again, it doesnt help that I barely eat anything...maybe I should start remembering to eat at least 2 meals a day, instead of one or less...mwhaha. It seems like tonight everyone needs help at work. Call bells go off almost exactly at the same time, bed alarms ring. By mid shift I get so tired I start hearing the bells in my head. I realized these past couple of days that I'm physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. I know something has got to give. I know things have to change, but right now I'm so totally not in the position to do anything about it. I'm in the endure stage of seasons right now. I know God is sustaining me, I know so sweetly how at low moments or periods of extreme exhaustion, how the Holy Spirit reaffirms what I believe by whispering sweet words of scriptures to me and helping me to think and ponder upon those words and meanings. If I didnt have that, especailly during this period, during these trials, if I didnt have the sweet whisperings, the confirmation in my heart and mind, and the fruits of the Spirit that comes purley from my Heavenly Father...life would not and could not be worth enduring for. There would be nothing to look to for protection and safety, nothing to look to for peace.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Things are crazy and scary....sometimes very lonely. Sometimes I want to keep moving forward...and other times I'm ready to throw in the towel and say that I quit. This season is hard, I knew it would be when I decided to move, when I decided to convert to the church, when I decided to leave my premortal state...but if God is beside me, and in front of me....if my Savior Jesus Christ is on my side and standing up for me, and if the Holy Ghost will guide me as long as I remain worthy.....then I dont think I have much to worry about, because where God guides, he provides..

Well, another night here at work. I'm actually enjoying the graveyard shift...much quieter and I am just learning to be content with what shifts I can get at this point. The admin and everyone has gone out of their way to do what they can for me, and I am really grateful for it. :-)
I did discover today that the resident that was doing so poorly yesterday, did pass on. I keep thinking this death should bother me more and shock me a bit. After all, when I first saw her and talked to her yesterday she was totally fine. And yet in a short time period she was in distress and after that barely hanging on to life. It all happened so fast, no one could of predicted it would have happened yesterday... craziness. Yet, though we mourn for the loss of her physical presence here with us, we rejoice for her, and celebrate not the end, but a new beginning. Tonight is a good night...I dont hurt as bad inside..not as anxious, not feeling so crazy. I like it when my soul is at peace...now if only I can convince my restless mind. :-) God is so good and so faithful. After work yesterday I thought of one of my favorite psalms..Psalm 73:

23 Nevertheless I am continually with thee: thou hast holden me by my right hand.

24 Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory.

25 Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.

26 My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.

If you look back over what the psalm is about, the Psalmist is struggling--he sees the wicked of the world and how they prosper and then he looks inward at his struggles and the struggles of the righteous. My favorite line from there is when the Psalmist says --2 But as for me, my feet were almost gone; my steps had well nigh slipped.
I know for me so often as I struggle day to day with my thoughts and with daily life things, I know how easy it is to almost slip. Whether its in not remembering God, or not being as faithful, to having trouble sustaining leaders. I think so often, my feet almost slip from underneath me and I almost stumble to the ground and wonder as the psalmist did--

13 Verily I have cleansed my heart in vain, and washed my hands in innocency.

14 For all the day long have I been plagued, and chastened every morning.

15 If I say, I will speak thus; behold, I should offend against the generation of thy children.

16 When I thought to know this, it was too painful for me;

Then the Holy Ghost brings to remembrance (as He is so good at often doing) all that God has done for me, all the promises from Him that I have, all the blessings I have to be grateful for. Then even the darkest moments seem light, even the hardest struggles become light. And then...I too can cry out WHOM HAVE I IN HEAVEN BUT YOU? I know for a surety that I am well taken care of. That God is faithful and will protect me, guide me, direct me. That he will not leave me to the wolves and to the ravages of dark, cold nights. He will be my light, my shield, my portion. There is no other place to find such great truth, no other Church that has priesthood keys to open the Heavens. God is so faithful, so loving, so long-suffering.

Another song from Lifehouse that I felt appropriate for the mood..its called Storm

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head
If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If i'd see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
You will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everthing is alright
Everything is alright
Everything is alright

Night of Chaos

Well...last night was needless to say...chaotic. At first it was slow. But then multiple times I had an inclination to go to a residents room and there I found her hands and knees crawling to the bathroom. I tried to explain multiple times but to no avail apparently about the danger of doing that since it could have been 45 minutes until I did an official check on her. She was not happy with me, especially our second time around dealing with it. Then we had a resident who one minute was fine, complaining just of coughing and then all of the sudden I'm dealing with almost a respiratory emergency on my hands. She couldnt get good air, she was using a lot of energy and muscle to try to breathe, she was in a cold sweat, in pain, low oxygen stats and unable to communicate because of so much congestion and fluid in her lungs. The scary thing is that it all happened within a small amount of time...just half an hour from the time I gave the first dose of meds to see if it calmed her down to a state of emergency and having to call the Nurse and family in for fear that she wouldnt make it past today. Plus some smell or something in her room made my lungs from my chemical bronchitis burn, it felt like agony almost to be in there sometimes to help her and I had to quickly find and use my inhaler to calm my bronchials down a bit... so much adrenaline rush from all of that...
Last night was hard. Even before all that happened....friendships are hard...harsh words between friends are hard. I just need some stable, normal friends

Broken by Lifehouse

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain There is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain) Is there healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on) (I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain) There is healing
In your name (In your name) I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')(I'm holdin' on)(I'm still holdin') (I'm holdin' on) (I'm still holdin')
Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on) Barely holdin on to you

Late Night...

Well, another week of doing graveyard shifts. Yikes! No fun at all. I actually dont mind the shift itself, its one of my favorite shifts, particularly cause its so quiet and I can get other things done, plus I get to talk with a coworker and thats nice. However, sometimes it can get a little crazy! Lately we have had a few residents begin to decline...a very sad thing. We make friends with the residents and most times they become part of the norm. Its hard sometimes to remember that the reason they are here is to help them shift from the season of their lives where they were full and active, most were or are married, have kids...to kind of a waiting period, where they are still stuck in this mortal state, but are declining physically, mentally, and emotionally. Its made me realize one important thing, when I get old, no meds for me besides pain meds to make it easier for me to go. I dont want to prolong my mortal probation any more than I need to. For most people, their own mortality is their biggest enemy. Many socialogists and public health worry about people in the young adult and teenage group because we often have yet to face the facts of mortality. So we take risks, jump out of planes, drive 100mph, binge drink, because we often dont understand the consequences. As we grow older, we face death more times than we would probably like to imagine. We face the death of friends we grew up with, often because of reckless behaviors. We begin to lose grandparents, parents, friends. I wonder often if thats why as we grow older, many of us begin to grow wiser. We begin to see and understand whats really important, and so we have little time for making or dealing with drama, because we understand that no day is guaranteed to us, tomorrow is never promised. Yet what scares us so much about our own mortality? Is it the thought of not being remembered? Of not leaving some kind of fingerprint on the world that future generations can remember us some how by? Or is it the somewhat uncertainty of what the eternity holds? For many, religion fills that void. So that when death comes upon us, we learn instead to feel joy for the departed despite our grief, because we know and understand that they are in a better place. I like to focus on the plan of salvation. To remember the promises of God but to go beyond just what God has in store for us, but to realize that our fingerprints on others dont just die out when we leave this frail existence of mortality. Our brothers and sisters will remember it clear into the eternities. No one forgets, forgive yes, but the good things we do for each other will be remembered...even beyond the veil. So then mortality is not a thing to be feared, but celebrated. Knowing that each day we make count, each day we choose to do some good for another, is a day that will live on with us and with them. How glorious the gospel, How glorious the truths of the Lord.

A Vision

I have been thinking lately, what sets regular men (or women) apart from great men. As I thought about it, the answer seemed so easy! Vision. Those who do great things are able to accomplish those dreams because they first had a vision for something better, something greater. When you look through the Book Of Mormon all of the Prophets had a vision for the future despite what was happening during their lifetimes. They wrote to warn, encourage and exhort us to build God's kingdom. The early pioneers took the journey because they too had a greater vision. Just read through the lyrics of "Come Come Ye Saints" They were able to see their struggle as it was, but look ahead and know that better things were in store, particularly for their posterity. Yet somehow in our culture we tend to read history, read scriptures, sing hymns and not get that same vision. They were able to accomplish and secure a legacy that lasts till today, because they kept the fire of faith and vision burning. In our culture today though, sometimes it seems like we know what people did, we read about it in history, church history, and scriptures. Yet we dont move forward as much as we could. We are children of noble birth, children of promise. The potential that exists in all of us is so great, yet we sell ourselves short, we settle for less in so many things. We are so easily swayed with culture, with the changing tides of moral values. I once read somewhere where members were waiting for the church to change its stance on issues such as same-sex marraiges, merely because the world's values has changed. Yet they dont see the danger of such things occuring, if our church changed because of the tides of time, our church would not be God's church, God doesnt change, his moral standings and commandments have not changed since we were first taught them in the premortal world. If they did, God would change and as scriptures say, if God changes, God ceases to be God. So many times we lose vision of God and His Church, and we focus on the world and we want what they have, sometimes selling ourselves short for the acceptance of the world. I was reading Psalm 73 the other day and if you get a chance read it, because its wonderful how the Psalmist dealt with the same problems, he almost gave up, almost thought all he stood for and stood on was in vain because he saw the wicked and how easy things and life seemed for them, yet he was put back in his place when God showed him what lies ahead for those who do not harken to his commandments. As Alma said to his son, wickedness never was happiness. The world promises possibly only a temporal happiness that when faced with adversity or pushed against the wall, never sustains or delivers on its promises. Yet we have a greater hope to look forward to, a divine inheritance, that protects us not only temporally while in our mortal state, but even beyond. Yet we have to keep that vision alive, we have to keep the flame of faith burning. We need to be a visionary people, keeping the covenants we make, obeying God's commandments, knowing the even if for right now things are hard, we have a great promise to hold onto, from a loving Heavenly Father. And as we hold onto to that promise, and secure that vision, we have to build, one foundation, one brick at a time, constantly progressing, diligently, lovingly, charitably. We have a great promise, a Savior, Jesus Christ who gave his life for us, and a Heavenly Father who works hard to see us succeed, what better way to honor and glorify them, than to stand up and take hold of our faith, take hold of our lives, and truly become kingdom builders. Free will is a choice gift from God for his children, and as the quote from spiderman goes "With great gifts come great responsibility" We have to take hold, and run this race the best we can.

This is so me, I am such a hater of change in many instances. Sister Patterson and Magalogo picked on me when they found out some of the weird things I do just cause. Its true that a lot of people have some kind of OCD. I get spots i have to sit in, chairs i have always sat in and continue habitually to sit in. Crazy I know. I hate choices, I usually go with my gut instinct, especially when its picking which mint, drink, place to go. That doesnt mean that I wont take a long time deciding and going back and forth between the other options only to realize that any other option just isnt as satisfactory, I usually have to go with my first pick. I hate change lol. Yet I'm moving to Utah? Crazy I know, but great. God tells me I have to get used to it and for the most part this past year, I've had to learn a lot about changing and growing. Its painful, its uncomfortable, but its soooo necessary, and we get so much more good out of it. God will take care of us, I know it, we have proved him in times past, we know for a surety he is here for us, to guide, protect. To love, and discipline for righteousness sake. I'm so glad. Oh so i have a great post soon to write up here about the importance of failures. I'm excited to share it!

Moving to Utah

So its official, August 15, 2008 at 7:35am I am leaving for the wonderful state of UTAH! Crazy right? I got a phone call from Sister Jenn on Monday telling me if I come down I will have a place to live for a month/two until I find a place of my own to live. I thought I would go down in October, but I never imagined I would be leaving in August. I'm shocked, I dont know if it has hit me entirely. I have a job lined up, I start like immediately. I'm leaving the state of North Carolina? That just seems waaaaaaaaaay too weird. I know though that this opportunity is from Heavenly Father, he has prepared a way! He is wonderful, always looking out for us, keeping us safe, and aiding in our progression so that we can go back to Him. I know I'm timid about the whole event, I dont know what to expect or what to do. I'm not going to be taking more than 200 maybe $300 with me, which isnt that much really. I dont know what to expect, but I know it will work out to the best. I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm happy, I'm sad. Lol what a mix of emotions.
This will be my new blog, i've decided to stop doing xanga and open up this one. I think it will do better. :-) I will update you on more as it comes!