Fighting to Stand

So I'm not a good poster on her, nor does anyone really read this, so I guess it makes it my online journal huh? I'm 23 years old! Crazy to think that I could ever get that old. I remember when I use to not believe I'd make it past 21. Crazy huh? It seemed that It was too far away and I didnt think I could stand and fight. I'm starting to realize thats what life is...its a fight.

1Timothy 6:12 Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses.

2 Corinthians 9: 26-27

26 I therefore so run, not as uncertainly; so fight I, not as one that beateth the air:

27 But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway.

Its scary though sometimes. I guess thats why they call it a fight. I want sometimes for it to just be easy and for me to be able to overcome, but its hard. This month things have been particularly hard fighting. I feel like I'm constantly fighting off a feeling of darkness that surrounds me. I will be doing all that I can to make my day bright, to smile and to keep going. Then suddenly the thought creeps in my head of how tired I am. The thought creeps in of how I just am ready to give up. And suddenly the light dims in my soul. I feel tired and exhausted and want to just sleep. I have to fight off thoughts of means to end my life and control impulses. I have to fight with all my might to get that light back up so that I dont lose sight and distance myself from the spirit. Last week however I felt too tired. I got my period, I was low on my meds, and I was overwhelmed with circumstances surrounding me. I feel too exhausted. I want to get up I want to get on track, but I'm so tired of trying and trying and trying. I want rest. Last night I spent a lot of time thinking of what was going on in my head and just trying to figure thoughts out. I love this Church like no other. I know here I am free. When I remember who God really is and the feelings I had then, I feel them again. The peace, the comfort, the love. I know God is here for me. I know my Savior is here. When I think of my old church though there is this darkness. I feel bad about myself, I feel bad about life. I feel bound. I wish sometimes I could forget. I wish I could pretend it didnt ever hurt. There are other issues as well with family, with school, etc. My head feels like its in a whirlwind. I love God and want to stay on track, but its so hard because at the same time I'm ready to go crazy. I want to be me. I want to live life for me, not selfishly, but get where I need to be. I don't want to hate myself and feel guilty, feel overwhelmed. I dont want to keep hiding from the world.

New Beginnings

Well, 2008 is over and we're now at 2009. Crazy! On February 24 I will have been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for a year. I keep reflecting over this past year, trying to figure out how I got here, how I made it a year, how it all happened. It sounds silly, but sometimes I feel like I'm still trying to wrap my head around all the events that happened with my former church and friends over my decision. I was such and am still a very weak person, but particularly then; man I was in such a bad state when I found the missionaries. My life was in turmoil, I was getting over or rather trying to get over all of the previous year and even months leading up to August 2007, where I had tried or wanted to try so many times to take my life. I had been hospitalized 7 times, was under great scrutiny of my church leaders and friends, had a leader going behind me telling everyone that I was "more of a sinner than they thought" because of my struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts. Its crazy to think, going to school that semester was a last minute decision. I literally signed up for the classes like a couple weeks before the semester. I just wanted to forget the previous year, I had just wanted to be ok and to have something to do, to feel like my life was worth something to feel like I was worth something, because I felt so isolated, and so much like a failure. The second to last week of August I had no idea what laid in store for me by meeting those missionaries. I had no idea the chains that they would help lift off of my soul and the important truths, not just doctrinal/theological truths, but truths about Heavenly Father and who we are. The 6 months I investigated were hard and frustrating, full of terror of losings whatever I had at my old church, my friends my boyfriend. Yet for some reason I couldnt leave it alone, I couldnt leave searching and knowing. I know that the only way I was able to make it through was that God and Jesus were giving me strength beyond measure. They were also tailoring the conversion to my needs. So many times when i would pray for an answer for something, I would only get a "wait". I'm so glad too because God helped teach me slowly and though losing my best friend and boyfriend, my mentor, my church, etc the sting wasnt as bad as it would have been had it been all at once, all abruptly. 14 months have gone by now, I'm baptized and though I still have struggles, I'm so glad that I made that decision. I'm so glad to be a part of this church that i KNOW is God's church. I'm so glad for the members, they are all such wonderful, charitable, loving people. Looking back use to hurt before I joined the Church, now it brings a smile to my face. More importantly, I can start to look forward with that same smile on my face.

Good Ole Times

Well today I got to do something that a year ago I would never of imagined...I got to see Sister Reynolds, but she is not a missionary anymore. I got to be with her and her family, to go to their wards (family and singles) and then to share a meal with them, and to top it off, a fireside. Sister Reynolds will always and forever be a dear missionary and a sweet friend. It was from her that I came to understand true patience and the importance of growing. She is so loving, so kind, so sweet. Her family is pretty awesome too. They all seem so close to each other, swapping stories, sharing sweet laughs, and precious moments. For someone who doesnt get much interaction with familes anymore, its nice to see, warm to the heart and comforting to the soul.
Things otherwise are....crazy. Today I feel so overwhelmed with my responsibilities. I kept thinking tonight that I dont know if I can handle my heavy work load, plus three church callings, etc. At the fireside, the member of the 70 made a very good and valid point. Church callings were never meant to be convenient, nor do they ever truly come at convenient times. They are there to challenge us and to help us to remember our covenants we make with Heavenly Father. So it doesnt make the load any lighter, and doesnt make me feel any more equipped to deal with all that is on my plate. I'm going to have to drop Sundays off of my work schedule, that way I can fullfill my duties with Church, and also just so it can be a day of rest. Right now as it stands, Sundays are a day of mass Chaos! Running from one activity to the next, just waiting for a moment to sit down and catch my breath to come. I dont think thats exactly what God had in mind for his Sabbath Day. There is no time to read, to reflect. Only time to react and to GO GO GO. So I'm having to trust in the Lord's hand in this, because that means 16 hours that will be missing every 2 weeks from my paycheck, or rather 32 hours a month ( almost $300 a month gone) So I confess I am very worried about the effects of that...but I have a good and steady ward, and a good and Steady Heavenly Father. SOmetimes I've realized in life that God has put me in situations where I have to trust a lot more on Him then I thought I wanted to. Not that I dont want to trust in Him, but that He puts me in situations where we are squeezed and pressure is put on us sometimes it feels to breaking point, and thats where He shows us we need a change from a situation that we are in, whether caused by ourselves or whatever the circumstances. You know, I know this is the right thing to do. Even sitting here writing it out and thinking about it, suddenly making the decision, and all, the weight and the heaviness I've had the past couple hours just has seemed to start to go away, :-)

A Dream

Tonight during my nap before work I had a dream. The dream was very real, it was like seeing a situation from a different angle. I dreamed I was "meeting" the Hodsons (a family I was close to from my old church) for the first time. I saw David and Kim, the kids - Seth, Bethy, Bailey, Brianna (though I didnt see Steven). It was weird because I knew what was going to happen. There were smiles on everyone's faces and we talked as if nothing had ever happened between us, because at this point nothing had....but throughout the conversation I knew in my mind and my heart what lied ahead for our friendships and such. I knew how close I would get to them, to their kids and how much time I would spend with them. Then I knew how much hurt would come from me having to leave because of my joining the LDS church. As I was talking with David I wondered if knowing what I knew, if I would still go into this friendship, with all the good times, and with all the hurt that lay ahead for us all. I woke up around 10pm and just sat there thinking about them. Such a great family with their own challenges and such, but a great family none the less. I realized that I think so much of how not talking to them has hurt me, how the relationship being cut off so abruptly has hurt me. At that moment I started thinking of all that they must of had to go through. I wonder how they explained particularly to the older kids that I would not be back around to babysit, to take them out for slushies or to play with them. I wonder how it affected Kim to lose a friend, though I know she is so strong and faith filled, but it couldnt of had just no impact on them. They lost a friend, a babysitter. I lost a family, a mentor, etc. If I knew then when I first met them, what I know now I dont know what I would do persay. Though maybe if I knew then what I knew now, maybe I would of being a little more kind, a little more patient, looked out a little more. I was looking over photos of my ex boyfriend and realizing, I was not what I should of been. What about him? Oh wow I would have been a lot more caring, a lot more loving, I wouldnt have taken our time for granted. I wouldnt of critizised so much his downfalls, but rejoiced more with him in his accomplishments. I would of laughed a lot harder, I would of danced a lot more, I would of called even if I had talked to him in person or online or both that day just to see how he was doing and make him know I appreciated him more. I would of said more thank you's and not shyed away from ever saying I Love You. I would of followed his dreams and pushed him farther in that area, not wanted him to follow mine. I would have smiled more, been more grateful for his care in my life. I would have told anyone that stood between us, church or not, that I didnt care about rules but that I cared and loved him. I would of hugged and held his hand more, spent more time talking instead of watching tv or whatever. Took time to enjoy the moment, and not want to jump from one activity to the next.
Someone asked me last week why I hated myself so much. Its so simple. Its because until recently a lot of people hated me. They hated what I had become for whatever reasons. I was shut in, I was intolerant, demanding, selfish, and the list goes on. When I started to change and come closer to this church people would often remind me of the person that I was and the things that I would/did say that now I was offended that someone else from my old church was saying to me....I wasnt a good person. I was trying to follow God, trying to be a disciple and do what I thought was right. But the person I became, the light and life that I lost that was already on edge with all the suicidal/depression stuff....I couldnt explain in words how horrible I was. I do know that whatever it was that I became, it was not christlike, it was not what I should have been. I lost track of myself I forgot to live, to laugh, to love others. I took so many things for granted. I took so many important things for granted. Its not my physical appearance that I'm afraid people will find hideous and such. Its the inward man, its the flesh, the sin that I know is within...the sin past and present with all its ugliness, all its horror, that makes even myself want to jump out of my skin and scorn it. I know that there is repentance and that in Romans 8 God promises us that there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus. I dont know sometimes though what to do or where to go..

Late Night

Well, I really shouldnt be up this late...a coworker worked for me, pulling a double, just so I could get some sleep tonight. She is an amazing person! :-) I just find myself however, unable to sleep. Today has been a pretty good day. Crazy graveyard, so I got off work kinda late this morning. Then slept from like 8/830 till 4pm...so 7 hours of glorious sleep... Then I went out with my roommate and we got some pizza and watched some ER. :-D It was a fun time, it really was. Yet in this day I find myself even as happy as times are just having these crazy spells. I'll be perfectly happy, singing, thinking about my testimony, etc....then all of the sudden I feel extremely exhausted, tired, I want to hide and I get my "head noise"... then now I'm going through feeling good to all the sudden crying and feeling so lonely and needing to disconnect myself from the world. Its weird, especially since I know that nothing happened to cause it really. Craziness...I'm not PMS'ing either I know that ... I'll have to keep an eye on it cause this is no fun. It kind of feels nice to blog again. Its been a long time since I could just write down or rather type how I feel. On facebook and my other blog, perhaps because I knew people read it more or that it was more out there available for people to read, I have always been very careful as to what I blog. I only want to write things and thoughts that talk about God and things he's taught me, etc. I even find myself doing that in my journal. Its nice to kinda just break free of that and still do that, but feel more free to write about other thoughts and feelings too....not because I want the world to see them, but for my benefit as well...

Anyways I was reading a great article the other day, can't remember where from but I read it none the less....and it was talking about how often do we inquire of the Lord? Many times we go to others to get advice and help and though those avenues are good and sometimes necessary, we can't remember out the best person to answer us and to help us..and that is Heavenly Father. :-)

Craziness...Mass Craziness

Well another night, another graveyard shift. Yikes! It doesnt seem to matter even if I get 8 hours of sleep during the day, my body gets so tired and feels so physically sick after work. Then again, it doesnt help that I barely eat anything...maybe I should start remembering to eat at least 2 meals a day, instead of one or less...mwhaha. It seems like tonight everyone needs help at work. Call bells go off almost exactly at the same time, bed alarms ring. By mid shift I get so tired I start hearing the bells in my head. I realized these past couple of days that I'm physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. I know something has got to give. I know things have to change, but right now I'm so totally not in the position to do anything about it. I'm in the endure stage of seasons right now. I know God is sustaining me, I know so sweetly how at low moments or periods of extreme exhaustion, how the Holy Spirit reaffirms what I believe by whispering sweet words of scriptures to me and helping me to think and ponder upon those words and meanings. If I didnt have that, especailly during this period, during these trials, if I didnt have the sweet whisperings, the confirmation in my heart and mind, and the fruits of the Spirit that comes purley from my Heavenly Father...life would not and could not be worth enduring for. There would be nothing to look to for protection and safety, nothing to look to for peace.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Things are crazy and scary....sometimes very lonely. Sometimes I want to keep moving forward...and other times I'm ready to throw in the towel and say that I quit. This season is hard, I knew it would be when I decided to move, when I decided to convert to the church, when I decided to leave my premortal state...but if God is beside me, and in front of me....if my Savior Jesus Christ is on my side and standing up for me, and if the Holy Ghost will guide me as long as I remain worthy.....then I dont think I have much to worry about, because where God guides, he provides..

Well, another night here at work. I'm actually enjoying the graveyard shift...much quieter and I am just learning to be content with what shifts I can get at this point. The admin and everyone has gone out of their way to do what they can for me, and I am really grateful for it. :-)
I did discover today that the resident that was doing so poorly yesterday, did pass on. I keep thinking this death should bother me more and shock me a bit. After all, when I first saw her and talked to her yesterday she was totally fine. And yet in a short time period she was in distress and after that barely hanging on to life. It all happened so fast, no one could of predicted it would have happened yesterday... craziness. Yet, though we mourn for the loss of her physical presence here with us, we rejoice for her, and celebrate not the end, but a new beginning. Tonight is a good night...I dont hurt as bad inside..not as anxious, not feeling so crazy. I like it when my soul is at peace...now if only I can convince my restless mind. :-) God is so good and so faithful. After work yesterday I thought of one of my favorite psalms..Psalm 73:

23 Nevertheless I am continually with thee: thou hast holden me by my right hand.

24 Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory.

25 Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.

26 My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.

If you look back over what the psalm is about, the Psalmist is struggling--he sees the wicked of the world and how they prosper and then he looks inward at his struggles and the struggles of the righteous. My favorite line from there is when the Psalmist says --2 But as for me, my feet were almost gone; my steps had well nigh slipped.
I know for me so often as I struggle day to day with my thoughts and with daily life things, I know how easy it is to almost slip. Whether its in not remembering God, or not being as faithful, to having trouble sustaining leaders. I think so often, my feet almost slip from underneath me and I almost stumble to the ground and wonder as the psalmist did--

13 Verily I have cleansed my heart in vain, and washed my hands in innocency.

14 For all the day long have I been plagued, and chastened every morning.

15 If I say, I will speak thus; behold, I should offend against the generation of thy children.

16 When I thought to know this, it was too painful for me;

Then the Holy Ghost brings to remembrance (as He is so good at often doing) all that God has done for me, all the promises from Him that I have, all the blessings I have to be grateful for. Then even the darkest moments seem light, even the hardest struggles become light. And then...I too can cry out WHOM HAVE I IN HEAVEN BUT YOU? I know for a surety that I am well taken care of. That God is faithful and will protect me, guide me, direct me. That he will not leave me to the wolves and to the ravages of dark, cold nights. He will be my light, my shield, my portion. There is no other place to find such great truth, no other Church that has priesthood keys to open the Heavens. God is so faithful, so loving, so long-suffering.

Another song from Lifehouse that I felt appropriate for the mood..its called Storm

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head
If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If i'd see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
You will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everthing is alright
Everything is alright
Everything is alright