A Dream

Tonight during my nap before work I had a dream. The dream was very real, it was like seeing a situation from a different angle. I dreamed I was "meeting" the Hodsons (a family I was close to from my old church) for the first time. I saw David and Kim, the kids - Seth, Bethy, Bailey, Brianna (though I didnt see Steven). It was weird because I knew what was going to happen. There were smiles on everyone's faces and we talked as if nothing had ever happened between us, because at this point nothing had....but throughout the conversation I knew in my mind and my heart what lied ahead for our friendships and such. I knew how close I would get to them, to their kids and how much time I would spend with them. Then I knew how much hurt would come from me having to leave because of my joining the LDS church. As I was talking with David I wondered if knowing what I knew, if I would still go into this friendship, with all the good times, and with all the hurt that lay ahead for us all. I woke up around 10pm and just sat there thinking about them. Such a great family with their own challenges and such, but a great family none the less. I realized that I think so much of how not talking to them has hurt me, how the relationship being cut off so abruptly has hurt me. At that moment I started thinking of all that they must of had to go through. I wonder how they explained particularly to the older kids that I would not be back around to babysit, to take them out for slushies or to play with them. I wonder how it affected Kim to lose a friend, though I know she is so strong and faith filled, but it couldnt of had just no impact on them. They lost a friend, a babysitter. I lost a family, a mentor, etc. If I knew then when I first met them, what I know now I dont know what I would do persay. Though maybe if I knew then what I knew now, maybe I would of being a little more kind, a little more patient, looked out a little more. I was looking over photos of my ex boyfriend and realizing, I was not what I should of been. What about him? Oh wow I would have been a lot more caring, a lot more loving, I wouldnt have taken our time for granted. I wouldnt of critizised so much his downfalls, but rejoiced more with him in his accomplishments. I would of laughed a lot harder, I would of danced a lot more, I would of called even if I had talked to him in person or online or both that day just to see how he was doing and make him know I appreciated him more. I would of said more thank you's and not shyed away from ever saying I Love You. I would of followed his dreams and pushed him farther in that area, not wanted him to follow mine. I would have smiled more, been more grateful for his care in my life. I would have told anyone that stood between us, church or not, that I didnt care about rules but that I cared and loved him. I would of hugged and held his hand more, spent more time talking instead of watching tv or whatever. Took time to enjoy the moment, and not want to jump from one activity to the next.
Someone asked me last week why I hated myself so much. Its so simple. Its because until recently a lot of people hated me. They hated what I had become for whatever reasons. I was shut in, I was intolerant, demanding, selfish, and the list goes on. When I started to change and come closer to this church people would often remind me of the person that I was and the things that I would/did say that now I was offended that someone else from my old church was saying to me....I wasnt a good person. I was trying to follow God, trying to be a disciple and do what I thought was right. But the person I became, the light and life that I lost that was already on edge with all the suicidal/depression stuff....I couldnt explain in words how horrible I was. I do know that whatever it was that I became, it was not christlike, it was not what I should have been. I lost track of myself I forgot to live, to laugh, to love others. I took so many things for granted. I took so many important things for granted. Its not my physical appearance that I'm afraid people will find hideous and such. Its the inward man, its the flesh, the sin that I know is within...the sin past and present with all its ugliness, all its horror, that makes even myself want to jump out of my skin and scorn it. I know that there is repentance and that in Romans 8 God promises us that there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus. I dont know sometimes though what to do or where to go..