Craziness...Mass Craziness

Well another night, another graveyard shift. Yikes! It doesnt seem to matter even if I get 8 hours of sleep during the day, my body gets so tired and feels so physically sick after work. Then again, it doesnt help that I barely eat anything...maybe I should start remembering to eat at least 2 meals a day, instead of one or less...mwhaha. It seems like tonight everyone needs help at work. Call bells go off almost exactly at the same time, bed alarms ring. By mid shift I get so tired I start hearing the bells in my head. I realized these past couple of days that I'm physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. I know something has got to give. I know things have to change, but right now I'm so totally not in the position to do anything about it. I'm in the endure stage of seasons right now. I know God is sustaining me, I know so sweetly how at low moments or periods of extreme exhaustion, how the Holy Spirit reaffirms what I believe by whispering sweet words of scriptures to me and helping me to think and ponder upon those words and meanings. If I didnt have that, especailly during this period, during these trials, if I didnt have the sweet whisperings, the confirmation in my heart and mind, and the fruits of the Spirit that comes purley from my Heavenly Father...life would not and could not be worth enduring for. There would be nothing to look to for protection and safety, nothing to look to for peace.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Things are crazy and scary....sometimes very lonely. Sometimes I want to keep moving forward...and other times I'm ready to throw in the towel and say that I quit. This season is hard, I knew it would be when I decided to move, when I decided to convert to the church, when I decided to leave my premortal state...but if God is beside me, and in front of me....if my Savior Jesus Christ is on my side and standing up for me, and if the Holy Ghost will guide me as long as I remain worthy.....then I dont think I have much to worry about, because where God guides, he provides..

Well, another night here at work. I'm actually enjoying the graveyard shift...much quieter and I am just learning to be content with what shifts I can get at this point. The admin and everyone has gone out of their way to do what they can for me, and I am really grateful for it. :-)
I did discover today that the resident that was doing so poorly yesterday, did pass on. I keep thinking this death should bother me more and shock me a bit. After all, when I first saw her and talked to her yesterday she was totally fine. And yet in a short time period she was in distress and after that barely hanging on to life. It all happened so fast, no one could of predicted it would have happened yesterday... craziness. Yet, though we mourn for the loss of her physical presence here with us, we rejoice for her, and celebrate not the end, but a new beginning. Tonight is a good night...I dont hurt as bad inside..not as anxious, not feeling so crazy. I like it when my soul is at peace...now if only I can convince my restless mind. :-) God is so good and so faithful. After work yesterday I thought of one of my favorite psalms..Psalm 73:

23 Nevertheless I am continually with thee: thou hast holden me by my right hand.

24 Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory.

25 Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.

26 My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.

If you look back over what the psalm is about, the Psalmist is struggling--he sees the wicked of the world and how they prosper and then he looks inward at his struggles and the struggles of the righteous. My favorite line from there is when the Psalmist says --2 But as for me, my feet were almost gone; my steps had well nigh slipped.
I know for me so often as I struggle day to day with my thoughts and with daily life things, I know how easy it is to almost slip. Whether its in not remembering God, or not being as faithful, to having trouble sustaining leaders. I think so often, my feet almost slip from underneath me and I almost stumble to the ground and wonder as the psalmist did--

13 Verily I have cleansed my heart in vain, and washed my hands in innocency.

14 For all the day long have I been plagued, and chastened every morning.

15 If I say, I will speak thus; behold, I should offend against the generation of thy children.

16 When I thought to know this, it was too painful for me;

Then the Holy Ghost brings to remembrance (as He is so good at often doing) all that God has done for me, all the promises from Him that I have, all the blessings I have to be grateful for. Then even the darkest moments seem light, even the hardest struggles become light. And then...I too can cry out WHOM HAVE I IN HEAVEN BUT YOU? I know for a surety that I am well taken care of. That God is faithful and will protect me, guide me, direct me. That he will not leave me to the wolves and to the ravages of dark, cold nights. He will be my light, my shield, my portion. There is no other place to find such great truth, no other Church that has priesthood keys to open the Heavens. God is so faithful, so loving, so long-suffering.

Another song from Lifehouse that I felt appropriate for the mood..its called Storm

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head
If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If i'd see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
You will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everthing is alright
Everything is alright
Everything is alright

Night of Chaos

Well...last night was needless to say...chaotic. At first it was slow. But then multiple times I had an inclination to go to a residents room and there I found her hands and knees crawling to the bathroom. I tried to explain multiple times but to no avail apparently about the danger of doing that since it could have been 45 minutes until I did an official check on her. She was not happy with me, especially our second time around dealing with it. Then we had a resident who one minute was fine, complaining just of coughing and then all of the sudden I'm dealing with almost a respiratory emergency on my hands. She couldnt get good air, she was using a lot of energy and muscle to try to breathe, she was in a cold sweat, in pain, low oxygen stats and unable to communicate because of so much congestion and fluid in her lungs. The scary thing is that it all happened within a small amount of time...just half an hour from the time I gave the first dose of meds to see if it calmed her down to a state of emergency and having to call the Nurse and family in for fear that she wouldnt make it past today. Plus some smell or something in her room made my lungs from my chemical bronchitis burn, it felt like agony almost to be in there sometimes to help her and I had to quickly find and use my inhaler to calm my bronchials down a bit... so much adrenaline rush from all of that...
Last night was hard. Even before all that happened....friendships are hard...harsh words between friends are hard. I just need some stable, normal friends

Broken by Lifehouse

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain There is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain) Is there healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on) (I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain) There is healing
In your name (In your name) I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')(I'm holdin' on)(I'm still holdin') (I'm holdin' on) (I'm still holdin')
Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on) Barely holdin on to you

Late Night...

Well, another week of doing graveyard shifts. Yikes! No fun at all. I actually dont mind the shift itself, its one of my favorite shifts, particularly cause its so quiet and I can get other things done, plus I get to talk with a coworker and thats nice. However, sometimes it can get a little crazy! Lately we have had a few residents begin to decline...a very sad thing. We make friends with the residents and most times they become part of the norm. Its hard sometimes to remember that the reason they are here is to help them shift from the season of their lives where they were full and active, most were or are married, have kids...to kind of a waiting period, where they are still stuck in this mortal state, but are declining physically, mentally, and emotionally. Its made me realize one important thing, when I get old, no meds for me besides pain meds to make it easier for me to go. I dont want to prolong my mortal probation any more than I need to. For most people, their own mortality is their biggest enemy. Many socialogists and public health worry about people in the young adult and teenage group because we often have yet to face the facts of mortality. So we take risks, jump out of planes, drive 100mph, binge drink, because we often dont understand the consequences. As we grow older, we face death more times than we would probably like to imagine. We face the death of friends we grew up with, often because of reckless behaviors. We begin to lose grandparents, parents, friends. I wonder often if thats why as we grow older, many of us begin to grow wiser. We begin to see and understand whats really important, and so we have little time for making or dealing with drama, because we understand that no day is guaranteed to us, tomorrow is never promised. Yet what scares us so much about our own mortality? Is it the thought of not being remembered? Of not leaving some kind of fingerprint on the world that future generations can remember us some how by? Or is it the somewhat uncertainty of what the eternity holds? For many, religion fills that void. So that when death comes upon us, we learn instead to feel joy for the departed despite our grief, because we know and understand that they are in a better place. I like to focus on the plan of salvation. To remember the promises of God but to go beyond just what God has in store for us, but to realize that our fingerprints on others dont just die out when we leave this frail existence of mortality. Our brothers and sisters will remember it clear into the eternities. No one forgets, forgive yes, but the good things we do for each other will be remembered...even beyond the veil. So then mortality is not a thing to be feared, but celebrated. Knowing that each day we make count, each day we choose to do some good for another, is a day that will live on with us and with them. How glorious the gospel, How glorious the truths of the Lord.