Thursday, April 30, 2009

Fighting to Stand

So I'm not a good poster on her, nor does anyone really read this, so I guess it makes it my online journal huh? I'm 23 years old! Crazy to think that I could ever get that old. I remember when I use to not believe I'd make it past 21. Crazy huh? It seemed that It was too far away and I didnt think I could stand and fight. I'm starting to realize thats what life is...its a fight.

1Timothy 6:12 Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses.

2 Corinthians 9: 26-27

26 I therefore so run, not as uncertainly; so fight I, not as one that beateth the air:

27 But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway.

Its scary though sometimes. I guess thats why they call it a fight. I want sometimes for it to just be easy and for me to be able to overcome, but its hard. This month things have been particularly hard fighting. I feel like I'm constantly fighting off a feeling of darkness that surrounds me. I will be doing all that I can to make my day bright, to smile and to keep going. Then suddenly the thought creeps in my head of how tired I am. The thought creeps in of how I just am ready to give up. And suddenly the light dims in my soul. I feel tired and exhausted and want to just sleep. I have to fight off thoughts of means to end my life and control impulses. I have to fight with all my might to get that light back up so that I dont lose sight and distance myself from the spirit. Last week however I felt too tired. I got my period, I was low on my meds, and I was overwhelmed with circumstances surrounding me. I feel too exhausted. I want to get up I want to get on track, but I'm so tired of trying and trying and trying. I want rest. Last night I spent a lot of time thinking of what was going on in my head and just trying to figure thoughts out. I love this Church like no other. I know here I am free. When I remember who God really is and the feelings I had then, I feel them again. The peace, the comfort, the love. I know God is here for me. I know my Savior is here. When I think of my old church though there is this darkness. I feel bad about myself, I feel bad about life. I feel bound. I wish sometimes I could forget. I wish I could pretend it didnt ever hurt. There are other issues as well with family, with school, etc. My head feels like its in a whirlwind. I love God and want to stay on track, but its so hard because at the same time I'm ready to go crazy. I want to be me. I want to live life for me, not selfishly, but get where I need to be. I don't want to hate myself and feel guilty, feel overwhelmed. I dont want to keep hiding from the world.

1 comment:

xantogal said...

What are you talking about... nobody reads your blog? I read it - when you make a post :)
I'm sorry you've been having a hard time recently. I hope I have not added to your stress, in dealing with my own stress.
Hope things work out for you soon!