Good Ole Times

Well today I got to do something that a year ago I would never of imagined...I got to see Sister Reynolds, but she is not a missionary anymore. I got to be with her and her family, to go to their wards (family and singles) and then to share a meal with them, and to top it off, a fireside. Sister Reynolds will always and forever be a dear missionary and a sweet friend. It was from her that I came to understand true patience and the importance of growing. She is so loving, so kind, so sweet. Her family is pretty awesome too. They all seem so close to each other, swapping stories, sharing sweet laughs, and precious moments. For someone who doesnt get much interaction with familes anymore, its nice to see, warm to the heart and comforting to the soul.
Things otherwise are....crazy. Today I feel so overwhelmed with my responsibilities. I kept thinking tonight that I dont know if I can handle my heavy work load, plus three church callings, etc. At the fireside, the member of the 70 made a very good and valid point. Church callings were never meant to be convenient, nor do they ever truly come at convenient times. They are there to challenge us and to help us to remember our covenants we make with Heavenly Father. So it doesnt make the load any lighter, and doesnt make me feel any more equipped to deal with all that is on my plate. I'm going to have to drop Sundays off of my work schedule, that way I can fullfill my duties with Church, and also just so it can be a day of rest. Right now as it stands, Sundays are a day of mass Chaos! Running from one activity to the next, just waiting for a moment to sit down and catch my breath to come. I dont think thats exactly what God had in mind for his Sabbath Day. There is no time to read, to reflect. Only time to react and to GO GO GO. So I'm having to trust in the Lord's hand in this, because that means 16 hours that will be missing every 2 weeks from my paycheck, or rather 32 hours a month ( almost $300 a month gone) So I confess I am very worried about the effects of that...but I have a good and steady ward, and a good and Steady Heavenly Father. SOmetimes I've realized in life that God has put me in situations where I have to trust a lot more on Him then I thought I wanted to. Not that I dont want to trust in Him, but that He puts me in situations where we are squeezed and pressure is put on us sometimes it feels to breaking point, and thats where He shows us we need a change from a situation that we are in, whether caused by ourselves or whatever the circumstances. You know, I know this is the right thing to do. Even sitting here writing it out and thinking about it, suddenly making the decision, and all, the weight and the heaviness I've had the past couple hours just has seemed to start to go away, :-)

A Dream

Tonight during my nap before work I had a dream. The dream was very real, it was like seeing a situation from a different angle. I dreamed I was "meeting" the Hodsons (a family I was close to from my old church) for the first time. I saw David and Kim, the kids - Seth, Bethy, Bailey, Brianna (though I didnt see Steven). It was weird because I knew what was going to happen. There were smiles on everyone's faces and we talked as if nothing had ever happened between us, because at this point nothing had....but throughout the conversation I knew in my mind and my heart what lied ahead for our friendships and such. I knew how close I would get to them, to their kids and how much time I would spend with them. Then I knew how much hurt would come from me having to leave because of my joining the LDS church. As I was talking with David I wondered if knowing what I knew, if I would still go into this friendship, with all the good times, and with all the hurt that lay ahead for us all. I woke up around 10pm and just sat there thinking about them. Such a great family with their own challenges and such, but a great family none the less. I realized that I think so much of how not talking to them has hurt me, how the relationship being cut off so abruptly has hurt me. At that moment I started thinking of all that they must of had to go through. I wonder how they explained particularly to the older kids that I would not be back around to babysit, to take them out for slushies or to play with them. I wonder how it affected Kim to lose a friend, though I know she is so strong and faith filled, but it couldnt of had just no impact on them. They lost a friend, a babysitter. I lost a family, a mentor, etc. If I knew then when I first met them, what I know now I dont know what I would do persay. Though maybe if I knew then what I knew now, maybe I would of being a little more kind, a little more patient, looked out a little more. I was looking over photos of my ex boyfriend and realizing, I was not what I should of been. What about him? Oh wow I would have been a lot more caring, a lot more loving, I wouldnt have taken our time for granted. I wouldnt of critizised so much his downfalls, but rejoiced more with him in his accomplishments. I would of laughed a lot harder, I would of danced a lot more, I would of called even if I had talked to him in person or online or both that day just to see how he was doing and make him know I appreciated him more. I would of said more thank you's and not shyed away from ever saying I Love You. I would of followed his dreams and pushed him farther in that area, not wanted him to follow mine. I would have smiled more, been more grateful for his care in my life. I would have told anyone that stood between us, church or not, that I didnt care about rules but that I cared and loved him. I would of hugged and held his hand more, spent more time talking instead of watching tv or whatever. Took time to enjoy the moment, and not want to jump from one activity to the next.
Someone asked me last week why I hated myself so much. Its so simple. Its because until recently a lot of people hated me. They hated what I had become for whatever reasons. I was shut in, I was intolerant, demanding, selfish, and the list goes on. When I started to change and come closer to this church people would often remind me of the person that I was and the things that I would/did say that now I was offended that someone else from my old church was saying to me....I wasnt a good person. I was trying to follow God, trying to be a disciple and do what I thought was right. But the person I became, the light and life that I lost that was already on edge with all the suicidal/depression stuff....I couldnt explain in words how horrible I was. I do know that whatever it was that I became, it was not christlike, it was not what I should have been. I lost track of myself I forgot to live, to laugh, to love others. I took so many things for granted. I took so many important things for granted. Its not my physical appearance that I'm afraid people will find hideous and such. Its the inward man, its the flesh, the sin that I know is within...the sin past and present with all its ugliness, all its horror, that makes even myself want to jump out of my skin and scorn it. I know that there is repentance and that in Romans 8 God promises us that there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus. I dont know sometimes though what to do or where to go..

Late Night

Well, I really shouldnt be up this late...a coworker worked for me, pulling a double, just so I could get some sleep tonight. She is an amazing person! :-) I just find myself however, unable to sleep. Today has been a pretty good day. Crazy graveyard, so I got off work kinda late this morning. Then slept from like 8/830 till 4pm...so 7 hours of glorious sleep... Then I went out with my roommate and we got some pizza and watched some ER. :-D It was a fun time, it really was. Yet in this day I find myself even as happy as times are just having these crazy spells. I'll be perfectly happy, singing, thinking about my testimony, etc....then all of the sudden I feel extremely exhausted, tired, I want to hide and I get my "head noise"... then now I'm going through feeling good to all the sudden crying and feeling so lonely and needing to disconnect myself from the world. Its weird, especially since I know that nothing happened to cause it really. Craziness...I'm not PMS'ing either I know that ... I'll have to keep an eye on it cause this is no fun. It kind of feels nice to blog again. Its been a long time since I could just write down or rather type how I feel. On facebook and my other blog, perhaps because I knew people read it more or that it was more out there available for people to read, I have always been very careful as to what I blog. I only want to write things and thoughts that talk about God and things he's taught me, etc. I even find myself doing that in my journal. Its nice to kinda just break free of that and still do that, but feel more free to write about other thoughts and feelings too....not because I want the world to see them, but for my benefit as well...

Anyways I was reading a great article the other day, can't remember where from but I read it none the less....and it was talking about how often do we inquire of the Lord? Many times we go to others to get advice and help and though those avenues are good and sometimes necessary, we can't remember out the best person to answer us and to help us..and that is Heavenly Father. :-)