Fighting to Stand

So I'm not a good poster on her, nor does anyone really read this, so I guess it makes it my online journal huh? I'm 23 years old! Crazy to think that I could ever get that old. I remember when I use to not believe I'd make it past 21. Crazy huh? It seemed that It was too far away and I didnt think I could stand and fight. I'm starting to realize thats what life is...its a fight.

1Timothy 6:12 Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses.

2 Corinthians 9: 26-27

26 I therefore so run, not as uncertainly; so fight I, not as one that beateth the air:

27 But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway.

Its scary though sometimes. I guess thats why they call it a fight. I want sometimes for it to just be easy and for me to be able to overcome, but its hard. This month things have been particularly hard fighting. I feel like I'm constantly fighting off a feeling of darkness that surrounds me. I will be doing all that I can to make my day bright, to smile and to keep going. Then suddenly the thought creeps in my head of how tired I am. The thought creeps in of how I just am ready to give up. And suddenly the light dims in my soul. I feel tired and exhausted and want to just sleep. I have to fight off thoughts of means to end my life and control impulses. I have to fight with all my might to get that light back up so that I dont lose sight and distance myself from the spirit. Last week however I felt too tired. I got my period, I was low on my meds, and I was overwhelmed with circumstances surrounding me. I feel too exhausted. I want to get up I want to get on track, but I'm so tired of trying and trying and trying. I want rest. Last night I spent a lot of time thinking of what was going on in my head and just trying to figure thoughts out. I love this Church like no other. I know here I am free. When I remember who God really is and the feelings I had then, I feel them again. The peace, the comfort, the love. I know God is here for me. I know my Savior is here. When I think of my old church though there is this darkness. I feel bad about myself, I feel bad about life. I feel bound. I wish sometimes I could forget. I wish I could pretend it didnt ever hurt. There are other issues as well with family, with school, etc. My head feels like its in a whirlwind. I love God and want to stay on track, but its so hard because at the same time I'm ready to go crazy. I want to be me. I want to live life for me, not selfishly, but get where I need to be. I don't want to hate myself and feel guilty, feel overwhelmed. I dont want to keep hiding from the world.

New Beginnings

Well, 2008 is over and we're now at 2009. Crazy! On February 24 I will have been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for a year. I keep reflecting over this past year, trying to figure out how I got here, how I made it a year, how it all happened. It sounds silly, but sometimes I feel like I'm still trying to wrap my head around all the events that happened with my former church and friends over my decision. I was such and am still a very weak person, but particularly then; man I was in such a bad state when I found the missionaries. My life was in turmoil, I was getting over or rather trying to get over all of the previous year and even months leading up to August 2007, where I had tried or wanted to try so many times to take my life. I had been hospitalized 7 times, was under great scrutiny of my church leaders and friends, had a leader going behind me telling everyone that I was "more of a sinner than they thought" because of my struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts. Its crazy to think, going to school that semester was a last minute decision. I literally signed up for the classes like a couple weeks before the semester. I just wanted to forget the previous year, I had just wanted to be ok and to have something to do, to feel like my life was worth something to feel like I was worth something, because I felt so isolated, and so much like a failure. The second to last week of August I had no idea what laid in store for me by meeting those missionaries. I had no idea the chains that they would help lift off of my soul and the important truths, not just doctrinal/theological truths, but truths about Heavenly Father and who we are. The 6 months I investigated were hard and frustrating, full of terror of losings whatever I had at my old church, my friends my boyfriend. Yet for some reason I couldnt leave it alone, I couldnt leave searching and knowing. I know that the only way I was able to make it through was that God and Jesus were giving me strength beyond measure. They were also tailoring the conversion to my needs. So many times when i would pray for an answer for something, I would only get a "wait". I'm so glad too because God helped teach me slowly and though losing my best friend and boyfriend, my mentor, my church, etc the sting wasnt as bad as it would have been had it been all at once, all abruptly. 14 months have gone by now, I'm baptized and though I still have struggles, I'm so glad that I made that decision. I'm so glad to be a part of this church that i KNOW is God's church. I'm so glad for the members, they are all such wonderful, charitable, loving people. Looking back use to hurt before I joined the Church, now it brings a smile to my face. More importantly, I can start to look forward with that same smile on my face.